Escaping the Labyrinth

If friends were like rain
The torrent withered into mist
If family were like sunshine
Dark clouds stole the sun’s kiss

The rainforest enflamed
Luscious green to lifeless ash
Purportedly homeless
Left for dead, I stumble and crash

I live day by day
Portraying peace and harmony
By night fall however
Emerges my intrinsic misery

As goes the story of the Phoenix
And the cycle of nature
I know I will escape
From this labyrinth I suffer

Pull through I must
From this gloom and sorrow
For I know now
The sun will shine on my tomorrow

A poem I wrote, my first try.
Still learning.

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After the Rain, Comes the Sun

Okay, maybe not the Sun just yet. But the clouds are definitely clearing away.

I mustered some strength in me to compose a lengthy email to my Manpower Branch with regards to my new posting. I explained that I was feeling much injustice and even in detail how much it affects me.

I got a response that he had appealed to the higher-ups prior to my email. And that he had high hopes. In order for his appeal to be convincing he had to send me for a course right away.

I’ll take what I get, a compromise I am willing to make (that should be redundant right? Since a compromise is a mutually accepted grounds between two parties, but I digress)

I’ll clear this course as immediate as possible and get back on track with my life in my office.

But not all is good news, it is still an appeal with a response yet to come.

The appeal could go the other way as well, but let us not think about that for now.

It Just Keeps on Getting Better

Never would I imagine such a dreadful thing could happen to me. Just when I had become comfortable. Barely started adjusting to this new life. I am slapped with a new posting in the Army.

This time, it’s in no way clerical, and in a lot of ways filled with combat.
But it’s not mainly about the change of lifestyle (though it is a very bumming factor), it’s mostly that I’ve finally come to accept the fact that friends will come and go.

I’ve built the mentality in my mind already, and have started to anticipate my friends leaving the office. Just when I get comfortable with the idea, life strikes me with “you shall leave your friends in two weeks!”

I’ve become desperate to stay, trying to convince my superiors to assist in voiding my new posting, I’ve always learned to only accept the fact once it happens. Denial till the end.

Life is never about rainbows and butterflies.

Ringing in New Experiences

2013 was a bad year for me emotionally. I was a wreck. My negative emotions flowed in from 2012. Forced into a new environment and you know how much I like change.

I had anticipated conscription but I never knew how blessed I would be in my posting. My office was filled with a motley crew. And it was dynamically changing (which would later in the year turn out to be the hard part).

But that blessing was to be out on hold while I went for my basic training recourse. I met retardedly awesome mix of bunkmates. They made the experience such an enjoyable experience. Soon after, I graduated and when back into my office.

But if I met so many people whom I felt so positive toward, why is it that it was a cruel year?

I was so emotionally out of place, because I am constantly looking toward the future. A future that I felt did not exist for me. Especially since I didn’t take my A levels in the end, what was to happen to my tertiary education?

I grew up with so much ambition, and settling turned out to be really hard. This was the hardest settlement I was to make so far. I settled after primary school when I didn’t make it into a school of my choice, but made it to a compatible school. I settled when I didn’t get into the JC of my choice, but when into a JC with such a great holistic education and very decent academics. But this settlement, not being able to get into a public university. And no simpler option to settle in, other than work or poly. That was to be really hard.

I was an emotional wreck. But I kept it all to myself. I am not one to share my most personal feelings and insecurities to people.

That led me to meeting a great (maybe too fast to judge, but I don’t think so) friend, someone I could relatively confide in. I felt such an intrinsic trust when I met him. Like, we could be great friends. And I really have been feeling much better about myself in my aspects thanks to his words and ears. It’s just so easy. He knows what to say.

It is possible though, that he may just be a very good confidante in general to anyone, and so maybe I’m not a special friend or anything, I really hope that’s my insecurity talking.

I know that this post is very messy, but I have been busy with much work and I realised that I have yet to post a quick summary of the year. I’ve been pushing it for days, and I think it is being pushed too far.

So I figured, a brief messy outlook is better than none. That’s how i see it anyway.

Time for Change

I loathe change. This morning, was the morning my family officially moved to their new home. I thought maybe I could follow them to see the new place, but before I could reach home, they had already left the house. But it was okay, I’ve already said my goodbyes. Change is hard, though. It never gets easier.

I made my way to my grandmother’s instead. Once I had reached the train station, I had only one thing in my mind. I really really had hoped that time would slow down, or even stop.

I felt that I’d rather life stopped, than for my life to change. Living with a relative I barely know. Not having a home, that is really a painful blow though. Living off someone else.

I must admit though, life here will be very humbling. Perhaps, it’s the pie that I need. If I were committed to religion, this is probably the point where I pray for strength. Whether good or bad, I have no tether to any specific faith, but I do hope I can muster my strengths to pull me through this next year.

Brilliant Christmas

Not the Boxes One would Expect to See on Christmas Morning
The first thing I noticed waking up on this unfortunate morning was the clear blue skies and hot tropical air. But inside, I could only feel cold breezes and stormy despair.

My mother had decided to move

I know it was a hard decision, but of late, I’ve been feeling like I was not a factor in the making of the decision.

Mother likes to think of her 6 children as from two different sets, the first 4 which includes me, we grew up together are are all around the same age, all in our 20’s now, and also the younger two, one is 8 and the other 5. We understand the feeling but it many a times feel like she thinks of us 4 as a separate family (my elder brother has since gotten married, so he really is a part of a separate family).

I feel like my presence only burdens and brings no value to her new family.

I didn’t even see my mother today till after midnight.

On the brighter side, I got to spend the day with my younger brother and sister (part of the first four children). We ate some cheap Lunch but the time together was brilliant. It doesn’t really happen that often, but I will definitely miss it, because I know such a gathering will not happen again for a long time to come.

Boxing Day
I did nothing today, the house was empty, the kitchen was bare. There was not much to eat, I couldn’t even read anymore. I’ve been reading continually for days. A headache was brewing.

By the evening, I just decided to make a trip over to my grandmother’s where I’ll be staying indefinitely, since I can’t follow my family. I needed to drop some of my stuff off anyway. No one was home, and I just left my belongings outside the front door.

Last night was the last night that I stayed in the place I call home.

Today would be the last day I stay in the place I call home.

While leaving home, on my way to my camp, I felt like a part of me was being forcefully ripped from my soul. I didn’t feel this prior while heading to my grandmother’s. I guess because leaving this time, I knew it was more permanent.

I don’t know what to do, what to feel and how to react. My confidant would not be around for a while. I’m holding the broken pieces together on my own for now.

I may surround myself with so much negative emotions, but I refuse to accept depression.

I learn to live with it, I learn not to fight it.

Where I Am Now.

17 months. That is how long it has been since I took my last A Level Paper, the last day I stepped into my Junior College as a student.

14 months. That is how long it has been since I was revealed the results that I have yielded after two challenging years in the A Level model. Challenging indeed were those two years, and I have to say, I was not prepared to face that challenge.

I enjoyed my JC life very much, I met a great bunch of friends during that time, friends I treasure ever so dearly till this day, though as months breeze by, we seldom chatter. But I won’t expand on such trivially common topics. I matured so much during those years, though I wish I had more time.

Two years. That’s how much older I was relative to my peers, but I was always finding myself less developed than those around me. As my friends aged into ladies and gentlemen, I couldn’t resist dwelling in the comfortable confines of my youth. I was deluded, I felt I would never age, that I would always be in this wonderful adolescent phase of my life, no matter what everyone else said.

That’s how I found myself, trapped between choices, trapped between dreams, trapped in reality.

I remember my A Level grades well, I doubt I would ever forget.
[edit: I just noticed how my grades spell DEUCES #endrandom]

  • H1 General Paper – D
  • H1 Project Work – C
  • H1 Economics – U
  • H2 Physics – E
  • H2 Chemistry – S
  • H2 Mathematics – E

 

 

It was obvious I could not get into any degree course in either NUS or NTU, schools I’ve always imagined getting into, so I didn’t bother apply, instead I attempted to retake my A Levels the next year, and went back to school.

Going back to school, just reminded me how much I was yet to be prepared, I realised I needed time off, just for a while, I needed to gain some maturity and discipline, that’s what I had hoped to gain when I enlisted in the army at least.

Military life has been difficult though these past couple of months in Basic Military Training, BMT. Frustration overwhelms me whenever a commander is yelling what I feel is nonsense into my ears. But I do see myself growing, although I do not quite feel my readiness to redo my A Levels just yet, that is why I decided to take a slow step forward. I registered to only one of my subjects for reexamination this year, and that subject is H1 Economics. It was my least favourite subject in school, but I am hoping to man up, and put true focus on it this time.

Many of my friends have done well, and I am very proud of their success. They got into the courses of their liking, and are either eagerly waiting to enrol or are already phasing into their second year! But, I must not digress from the direction of this journal, the focus must remain on the underdogs to the A Level system. Many of my dear friends, faired better than I did, but their grades incline closer to my grades than they do to the ideal. After a year if applications, slowly I find them receiving offers, very much unexpectedly, might I add. You really cannot give up all hope, and if you didn’t get accepted the first time, you truly must try, try again!

May your will to strive never run out,
F.E.

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